my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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