I'm laying in your front yard are you home
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
