Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
