I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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