You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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