Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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