I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize