Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize