No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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