Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
