who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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