if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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