He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i think i just lost a toe
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
