so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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