Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
