It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
