she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
