I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I want leopard sheets
thats the plan
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
30+ People Share Their Worst ‘Intimate Experience’ And They’re Traumatizing
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.