you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize