I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
