Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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