i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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