So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We had sex on a dog bed..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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