Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
