Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
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She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
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Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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