That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
