He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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