I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
