These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
