You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
