I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
