Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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