I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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