you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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