You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
