I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You took a bar mat shot.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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