So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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