Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
