Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
