I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
