I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
