Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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