I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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