she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
