One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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