I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.