what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.