Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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