The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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