listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
