Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You can't motorboat a personality
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
