why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
