I wish I only lived at night.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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